Pampering fund: the love of friends, and how responsible can one be for having cancer?

A friend wrote and said she would like to meet to ‘catch up’ and i had an immediate adverse reaction: at the moment i am trying to be as spontanous as possible; not book up my diary too much; get a feeling of space into my life follow so i can feel more relaxed about trying to follow my adapted Gersen diet.

For those of you who want to know that means:  taking enzymes on empty stomach; juicing: trying to get to 8 a day –  am up to about 4-5 – green, carrot and carrot and apple; oatmeal, fruit and orange juice for breakfast;  hippocrates soup for lunch, or rice in veg stock with broccoli and fish or chicken; same for supper; snacking on rice cakes and fine oatcakes; odd bit dark chocolate, fighting sugar cravings; sometimes some goats milk yoghourt and stewed fruit or bananas; 2-3 coffee enemas a day; plus  fit in trips out and get some overdue work done (even if it seems to be creating negative thoughts inside me and frustrating emotions which is probably not good for me at all – still hopefully once it is done it will be done.  |I try and have a massage each week or reflexology with  Rona  and somtimes both.  Try to meditate; largely unsuccessfully as mind to busy still. Keep following up leads for different cancer healing etc

Next week i go to London to see Etienne Callebout. Last Friday  i had good chat with Andrew at Maggie Centre on role of mind in illness and how effective exorcising anger might be. I have made an appointment to see a ‘hands of light’ cancer  healer in Findhorn Tjitze de Jong – first available date 2nd January 2012!  – will i get up there by car in winter weather? last year it was deep snow and i would never have managed it. No trains on 1st january so could be hard!  Andrew had heard of both de Jong and Callebout – other Maggie poeple gone there so that’s re-assuring.  I start an art course at Maggies on Friday- try and get in touch with ‘inner thoughts’ i may be hiding from myself through creativity.

One has to take some responsibility  for having cancer while not making onself feel guilty. There’s a bit of a double bind in it all.  I guess i have issues still around Chile (which is why i think i still find it so hard to write about in any way objectively about Chilean music; Cuba (as my marriage collapsed when i was doing lots of lovely  research there which kind of made  that work go out the window and it all feels intense when i write about it…); I have several books i have not written yet have done all the work for; and chapters for others books too- why why why?? maybe also issues about my parents and my relationship with mother (I remember Jungian therapist Winifred Rushworth whose dream groups i went to in the 1980s saying that  in her experience few  ever felt their mother had demonstrated their love enough).

One thinks one has come to term with things but has one? are they still there like  healed scars waiting to be scratched again?  Also work wise – i never got a ‘proper job’ – never wanted to move with the children after my divorce – that was a good choice –  and yet now  i feel i vastly underplayed my talents in not doing so. Most of my mates are Professors now! could i have been one? did i take myself seriously enough? why can’t i write those books? why do i persist in trying even?! There is often a tendency to think ‘one is weighed in the balance and found wanting’  – that is  a famous line from  Holst’s setting of the Rig Veda I remember singing in my teens with the Cheshire Youth Choir.  Not a productive thought at all…

The diet takes up lots of time preparing and clearing up plus needs regular  trip to  local waitrose to get as much organic stuff as posible – i take my pully shopper as veggies are heavy (and expensive but let’s not consider  the cost – it’s my health  and i aim to survive as long as i can). 2nd yoga class with Rosemary Leburn tonight – looking forward to it- would love to do yoga each day – with others, not alone.

A group of friends got together at the instigation of  friend Su-a Lee – and they have put together a ‘pampering fund’ … last week i found out  it is almost £1000 which is totally amazing. Overwhelming act of love – got to face it – people have done that for me – they love me – feels odd to write that like bragging or something –  i can use it for all my different therapy costs.  A real vote of confidence.

Had a great discussion  ‘can we talk about daeth and dying’ at my church yesterday – such a welcoming community of people –  about 30 folk in the centre guided by Anderson our curate from Sri Lanka and a very experienced  member of church who works at the hospice – it was a fantastic, deep, sharing  discussion and i managed to speak about ‘living’ not ‘dying’ and trying to find a spiritual life to counteract the medical side of things and  everything else i am trying  on what is called ‘the cancer journey’. Lots of lovely folk there of all ages.

It is strange but so very  good when people say things to me like, ‘we prayed for you in Iona last week’  (thank you Susan, Gill and others)  – good thoughts like hugs from friends and phone calls and cards and outings and a pampering fund  help one feel less lonely on the road.

Last week went twice to North Berwick to eat mussels (strictly forbidden on diet) at Quality Street and Lobster Shack  and walk the beach. Found great house in Victoria Street for whole family for  next summer and booked it for week July 6th – see gonetothebeach.com  – made a promise to myself to be fit and healthy by then  … good aim!

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About Jan Fairley

I am an experienced and passionate ethnomusicologist working as an arts and music journalist and broadcaster, writer and editor as well as researcher, lecturer, radio presenter and producer. I have a breadth of organising experience at home and abroad. I am a fluent Spanish speaker. I love travelling and have worked abroad (notably Chile 1971-3 and again in 1994) and researched in Cuba, Spain, Brazil, Argentina, Finland.
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